Discussion:
Psych behavior revisited: The parasite continues to be an embarrassment to society
(too old to reply)
Jane Margaret Laight
2010-12-28 01:44:05 UTC
Permalink
On Dec 27, 6:31 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

<snip>

DP walks into the psychiatrist's office and says "Doctor, doctor,
you've got to
help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"

The psychiatrist says "Mr. P, sit over there and I'll deal with you
later."
Jane Margaret Laight
2010-12-28 23:32:51 UTC
Permalink
Q: Did you hear one about the Psychiatric Chiropractor?

A: He specializes in attitude adjustments!
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-01 23:25:59 UTC
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Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.
Dirk Bruere at NeoPax
2011-01-02 00:58:42 UTC
Permalink
Post by Jane Margaret Laight
Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.
Just visit Psycho The Rapist
--
Dirk

http://www.neopax.com/technomage/ - My new book
http://www.transcendence.me.uk/ - Transcendence UK
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/onetribe - Occult Talk Show
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-08 06:14:51 UTC
Permalink
DP went to the doctor complaining that every time he spoke, he farted.

“You must (FFFaaaart….) help me, Doc. Its extremely (blarrrrrt…)
embarrassing. The only (Phhheeeeeeooooowwww….) saving grace is that
the farts don’t (sssssphphrrrrrroophphphphphph….) smell.”

“Hmm!” said the doctor, “I’ll have to send you to a specialist.”

“Will that be a gastro-enterologist (Faaaaaaart) or a surgeon?” said
DP.

“Neither,” said the doctor. “I’m sending you to an Ear, Nose & Throat
Specialist. If you think those farts don’t smell, then you’ve got
something wrong with your nose ! !”
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-08 15:49:56 UTC
Permalink
DP: Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
Doc: What do you mean by that?
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-11 13:33:17 UTC
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-13 13:43:09 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 12, 11:32 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

Okay, who stopped payment on my reality cheque?
Jeffrey Hamilton
2011-01-13 22:59:42 UTC
Permalink
Post by Jane Margaret Laight
Okay, who stopped payment on my reality cheque?
Well, isn't it clear, Jane Margaret ? You stopped treating him and started
*humouring* him !

.....pa...da....bim... <G>

cheers.....Jeff
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-15 20:07:06 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 15, 10:25 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A surgeon, an architect, and a lawyer are having a heated barroom
discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the
oldest profession.

The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib
from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect
when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go
back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do
you think created the CHAOS??!!"
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-16 19:27:15 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 16, 11:38 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

Two peanuts walk into a bar.

They approach the bartender and ask for two round-trip tickets to
Paris.

The bartender looks at them and says, “are you guys nuts?”
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-17 17:38:32 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 17, 11:33 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-18 21:03:31 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 18, 12:42 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

In the Irish Republic there is a mental institution that every year
picks two of its most reformed patients and questions them.

If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky patients were Patricia and Mike.

They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly.
They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.

The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her
questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat
across from the doctor.

"Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you
know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get
them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you
have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded,
and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your
eyes, what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much
thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just
gained her freedom.

The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and
accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the
questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he
had with Patty.

"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your
ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye, of course," he said remembering what he
had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks
the other question so that he could figure out what the man was
thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"Why, I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he
knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and Mike said
flatly,

"Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-19 19:48:07 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 19, 1:56 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A deeply religious lady was extremely depressed by her frequent sexual
episodes.

Neither daily prayer nor visits to her priest resolved her
nymphomania, so she went to a psychoanalyst.

After hearing the woman out, he told her that if she committed to
twice weekly visits for the next six years, he could help her overcome
her compulsive and excessive religiosity.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-20 13:36:52 UTC
Permalink
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes nine visits.
Peter Jason
2011-01-21 05:27:38 UTC
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< deferential snippage >


It's not just the shrinks who missbehave, but also the
doctors and dentists. The newspapers here are positively
pink with reports of probings, druggings, lewd remarks and
so on.

And hospitals? God knows what goes on in the operating
theatres after one is rendered unconscious. Once when I was
on the table and drugged to the toe-tips, I seems to
remember a dream in which cash registers were chiming and
slamming!

They're all a bunch of Barber Surgeons!
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-22 06:08:24 UTC
Permalink
Post by Peter Jason
They're all a bunch of Barber Surgeons!
Two young doctors were at a convention where their eyes locked.

Little was said, though after a few drinks and some dancing, they
headed up to his hotel room for some fun.

After it was over, the guy said to the woman, "Let me guess... are you
a surgeon?"

She said, "Yes, how did you know?"

He replied, "Because you were so good with your hands."

She then asked, "Let me guess... are you an anesthesiologist?"

He said, "Yes! How did you know?"

Her reply, "Because I hardly felt a thing."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-22 06:14:53 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 21, 2:29 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

By some strange miracle, two lawyers made it to heaven (how they got
there is a joke in itself.) They are before Saint Peter, who is
looking them over.

"Well, you made it to heaven," Saint Peter said. "However, to enter
the Pearly Gates you have stand in line based on how much you
contributed to humanity, and well, let's face it, you're lawyers. You
will have to wait patiently at the end of the line."

So the lawyers are at the end of the long, long line, which is moving
slowly. They decide not to complain as they can look down into hell
through the clouds and see how their partners were faring (two words:
not good. *shudder*) So they decide to suck it up. The line is moving
slowly, but at least in a forward direction.

After a while, along comes a surgeon in scrubs and a flowing,
majestic, open white coat. He is carrying a doctor's bag and a cup of
coffee. The surgeon walks right by the confused lawyers, right past
the line, and up to Saint Peter. The surgeon nods at Saint Peter,
Saint Peter nods back, and the surgeon walks right through the Pearly
Gates and right into heaven.

The lawyers, rather disgruntled at the fact a doctor went before them,
went up to Saint Peter and asked, "What is with the surgeon bypassing
everyone and going into heaven without waiting in line?"

Saint Peter replied, "Oh, him? That was God. He likes to think he is a
surgeon every so often."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-22 14:26:33 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 22, 3:04 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.

"I said, 'Thyroid problem?"

--Arnold Schwarzenegger
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-23 12:32:10 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 23, 4:51 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

Back in my younger days, I went out on a date--highly recommended by
friends who said that he was a "great guy".

It started out ok, but it soon went downhill. After an hour, I'm ready
to go home, but we get into an argument about the superiority of men
over women. Being a feminist-type, I started arguing with him, but it
all ended after this exchange:

Me: You would never understand because you are male and you can never
know the thrill of feeling life stirring within you.

Him: I had a tapeworm once.

Me: Check please.

true story--JML
Fred J. McCall
2011-01-23 16:19:39 UTC
Permalink
Post by Jane Margaret Laight
Back in my younger days, I went out on a date--highly recommended by
friends who said that he was a "great guy".
It started out ok, but it soon went downhill. After an hour, I'm ready
to go home, but we get into an argument about the superiority of men
over women. Being a feminist-type, I started arguing with him, but it
Me: You would never understand because you are male and you can never
know the thrill of feeling life stirring within you.
Him: I had a tapeworm once.
Me: Check please.
true story--JML
Given your assertion, I think it was a great response.

Mine would probably have been more along the lines of, "Yeah, get back
to me when you learn you can't do that without men." Or perhaps,
"Would you like me to teach you how that happens?"

I just find "I can get knocked up and you can't" somewhat lacking as a
'feminist argument'.
--
"Adrenaline is like exercise, but without the excessive gym fees."
-- Professor Walsh, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-23 19:58:32 UTC
Permalink
Post by Fred J. McCall
Post by Jane Margaret Laight
Back in my younger days, I went out on a date--highly recommended by
friends who said that he was a "great guy".
It started out ok, but it soon went downhill. After an hour, I'm ready
to go home, but we get into an argument about the superiority of men
over women. Being a feminist-type, I started arguing with him, but it
Me: You would never understand because you are male and you can never
know the thrill of feeling life stirring within you.
Him: I had a tapeworm once.
Me: Check please.
true story--JML
Given your assertion, I think it was a great response.
Mine would probably have been more along the lines of, "Yeah, get back
to me when you learn you can't do that without men."  Or perhaps,
"Would you like me to teach you how that happens?"
I just find "I can get knocked up and you can't" somewhat lacking as a
'feminist argument'.
--
"Adrenaline is like exercise, but without the excessive gym fees."
               -- Professor Walsh, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"- Hide quoted text -
- Show quoted text -
that was some years back.

I have no doubt I can mount a more compelling argument these days.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-24 12:12:43 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 24, 1:48 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me
where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management".

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-26 00:05:30 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 25, 1:15 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

Murkin tourists, in search of Brigadoon, are pestering their guide as
he shows them the beauties of the Highlands.

" These rock formations, " explained the guide, "were piled up here in
the Highlands by the glaciers."

" Where are the glaziers now? " asked a old Murkin lady.

" They've gone back, madam, to get more rocks, " said the guide.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-26 23:58:07 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 26, 2:53 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
reach it.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-27 20:28:01 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 27, 3:07 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A man walks by the sea and suddenly hears someone yelling:

"Help, help! I’m drowning, I don’t know how to swim!"

He turns around, notices a man drowning, and asks:
" Parla Italiano?"

The drowning man says: "Si, si! Parlo Italiano! Aiuto, per favore!"

The first man says, "You idiot! It would have been better for you to
learn how to swim than to learn Italian."
Robert Peffers
2011-01-27 20:34:51 UTC
Permalink
"Jane Margaret Laight" <***@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:fb3d595b-7dd4-4f19-8db9-***@n2g2000pre.googlegroups.com...
On Jan 27, 3:07 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A man walks by the sea and suddenly hears someone yelling:

"Help, help! I’m drowning, I don’t know how to swim!"

He turns around, notices a man drowning, and asks:
" Parla Italiano?"

The drowning man says: "Si, si! Parlo Italiano! Aiuto, per favore!"

The first man says, "You idiot! It would have been better for you to
learn how to swim than to learn Italian."

Woman: - Doctor I think I'm going to die.
Doctor: - Don't be silly - that's the last thing you'll do.
Robert Peffers
2011-01-27 20:39:55 UTC
Permalink
"Jane Margaret Laight" <***@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:fb3d595b-7dd4-4f19-8db9-***@n2g2000pre.googlegroups.com...
On Jan 27, 3:07 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A man walks by the sea and suddenly hears someone yelling:

"Help, help! I’m drowning, I don’t know how to swim!"

He turns around, notices a man drowning, and asks:
" Parla Italiano?"

The drowning man says: "Si, si! Parlo Italiano! Aiuto, per favore!"

The first man says, "You idiot! It would have been better for you to
learn how to swim than to learn Italian."

Woman: - Doctor Doctor, I broke my leg in two places.
Doctor: - Then don't go back there again.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-27 23:26:34 UTC
Permalink
Post by Jane Margaret Laight
"Help, help! I’m drowning, I don’t know how to swim!"
" Parla Italiano?"
The drowning man says: "Si, si! Parlo Italiano! Aiuto, per favore!"
The first man says, "You idiot! It would have been better for you to
learn how to swim than to learn Italian."
Woman: - Doctor Doctor, I broke my leg in two places.
Doctor: - Then don't go back there again.
Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this. (Demonstrates)
Doctor: Then don't do that.
Cory Bhreckan
2011-01-28 00:24:19 UTC
Permalink
Post by Jane Margaret Laight
Post by Jane Margaret Laight
"Help, help! I’m drowning, I don’t know how to swim!"
" Parla Italiano?"
The drowning man says: "Si, si! Parlo Italiano! Aiuto, per favore!"
The first man says, "You idiot! It would have been better for you to
learn how to swim than to learn Italian."
Woman: - Doctor Doctor, I broke my leg in two places.
Doctor: - Then don't go back there again.
Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this. (Demonstrates)
Doctor: Then don't do that.
That gets funnier every time I hear (or read) that.
--
"For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed." - William Topaz McGonagall
http://www.myspace.com/corryvreckan
La N
2011-01-28 00:30:20 UTC
Permalink
Post by Cory Bhreckan
Post by Robert Peffers
Woman: - Doctor Doctor, I broke my leg in two places.
Doctor: - Then don't go back there again.
That gets funnier every time I hear (or read) that.
My late father told us that joke when we were kids.

- nil
Robert Peffers
2011-01-28 19:51:17 UTC
Permalink
Post by La N
Post by Cory Bhreckan
Post by Robert Peffers
Woman: - Doctor Doctor, I broke my leg in two places.
Doctor: - Then don't go back there again.
That gets funnier every time I hear (or read) that.
My late father told us that joke when we were kids.
- nil
Well here is one - but it was no real joke.

My late mother worked in the operating theatre. She was actually on the team
who went with Slessor to operate on the late King.
She had been working one day in the theatre with Dr Dott, the brain surgeon.
The patient had been a little girl who was hydrocephalic, (she had water on
the brain).
In those days babies with the condition suffered swelling of the skull due
to the fluid preassure.
On the bus to work next day she was horrified to see a woman cuffing a
swolled headed child, (who wore a Balaclave), around the head.

Outraged she gave the woman a real telling off in the crowded bus.
After listening to my mother for a while the woman burst out with, "I'm
taking the stupid wee bugger to A&E", and she pulled the Balaclave from the
child's head.
She continued "Look what the silly wee bugger has done with his pottie".

You really could not make that up - now could you?
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-28 13:41:03 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 28, 4:06 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

This blonde cop stops a red-headed driver and asks for identification.

The red head looks all around in her purse and can’t find her
license.

“I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The red head takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this
picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in
it.

Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I
wouldn’t have stopped you.”
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-30 01:52:48 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 29, 7:29 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Robert Peffers
2011-01-30 13:25:52 UTC
Permalink
"Jane Margaret Laight" <***@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:8b95fb07-e45e-4c1e-9e41-***@l18g2000yqm.googlegroups.com...
On Jan 29, 7:29 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Yes but why did it cross that road?
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-30 20:33:41 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 30, 10:12 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

[sent to me by one of my Canuck in-laws--tell me how true it all is--
JML]

1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL


2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO


3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all
lanes of traffic: OTTAWA


4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO


5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY


6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling
cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on
steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER


7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator,
throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER


8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE
GEORGE


9. - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left
blinker on: VICTORIA


10. - One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in
hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing
Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at
lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection:
WINNIPEG
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-01-31 23:56:52 UTC
Permalink
On Jan 31, 10:17 am, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

The fifth grade teacher asks the class: "What is an Island?"

The class smart-arse raises his hand. "Yes, Teacher, it's a piece of
land surrounded by water except on one side."

The teacher frowns. "On one side?"

"Yes, ma'am! On top!"
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-02 01:17:47 UTC
Permalink
Notice in a Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow, restaurant : "Kids - eat two
for the price of one..."

A passing non-customer took a look and added "I can't eat a whole
child, far less two..."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-04 16:28:05 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 3, 2:13 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-05 06:05:13 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 4, 1:56 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
He enters a duck.

How can you tell if a *nglishman is present?
He bets money on the duck.

How can you tell if a Scot is present?
The duck wins.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-05 23:16:16 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 5, 4:05 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course.

He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on.

Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer
magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.

The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said,
"Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this
magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's
knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-06 19:30:34 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 6, 1:59 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing
guy.

He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this
side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!"

A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?"

The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the
other side of the bar are all scum!"

Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with
that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk
towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-07 23:47:10 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 7, 4:18 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A seal walks into a bar.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
Robert Peffers
2011-02-08 23:40:49 UTC
Permalink
"Jane Margaret Laight" <***@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:0d04a6fc-f23b-4794-b4fb-***@k22g2000yqh.googlegroups.com...
On Feb 7, 4:18 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A seal walks into a bar.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."


Now that one I like.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-09 02:13:43 UTC
Permalink
Post by Jane Margaret Laight
A seal walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
Now that one I like.
always happy to please, Bob.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-09 02:20:19 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 8, 7:33 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

”Would you like anything else with that, sir?” asked the barman.

“Yes please,” replies the skeleton.

"And what's that, sir?"

“A mop.”
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-09 23:24:52 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 9, 5:13 pm, DP...

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young
man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my
daughter," said the first one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young
attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let
the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the
first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-
in-law."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-11 17:18:53 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 10, 9:14 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear
earmuffs?
Robert Peffers
2011-02-14 12:01:58 UTC
Permalink
"Jane Margaret Laight" <***@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:95e29004-33fd-4002-8fa0-***@y4g2000prh.googlegroups.com...
On Feb 10, 9:14 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear
earmuffs?
Oh! Easyone, The light does not hurt their ears.
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-12 07:31:08 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 11, 7:10 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign
language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language
to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned
to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular
customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were
waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!"
and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told
them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-12 20:01:44 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 12, 2:12 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says.

The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a
'martini'?"

"Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for
it!"
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-16 22:56:37 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 16, 5:08 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

Overheard through a very thin wall:

She: "For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a
while?"

He: "What?"

She: "Look around! Look at all these books! You always have your head
buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

He: "I'm sorry, honey,"

She: "Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look
at me!"

He (thoughtfully): "Hmmmm, that's not such a bad idea. Then I could
take you to the library every few days and change you for something
more interesting."
Jane Margaret Laight
2011-02-18 19:29:08 UTC
Permalink
On Feb 17, 3:20 pm, DP <***@destroypsychiatry.org> wrote:

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway.

Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning
with pain.

“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost
you $5000.”

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I
did yell ‘fore’.”

“I’ll take it,” the attorney said.

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